OH NO SHE DIDN'T !!!!

YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE HAS REALLY TAKEN A DOWN HILL TURN WHEN. . . . . . .

YOU HAVE BEEN DISHED BY A . . . . . . .

FEMBOT!!!

I WAS TRYING TO PAY OUR FLOOD INSURANCE VIA THE PHONE THE OTHER DAY. YEAH, YOU READ THAT RIGHT "FLOOD" INSURANCE, EVEN THOUGH I LIVE IN THE FREAKIN' MOHAVE DESERT. BELIEVE ME, THAT IS A WHOLE OTHER STORY, WHICH I WILL BLOG ABOUT SOMEDAY, ON HOW FOR TWO YEARS I HAVE TRIED TO FIGHT "THE MAN" ON THIS.

CALL # 1

SO I START OUT BY CALLING MY INSURANCE AGENT, WHEN THE NICE YOUNG MAN ANSWERED THE PHONE, AT FIRST I THOUGHT, OH HOW CUTE, IT MUST BE BRING YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY, AND THEY ARE LETTING HIM ANSWER THE PHONES, BUT NO, HE APPARENTLY ONLY SOUNDED 12. ANYWAY, SHAUN (IF THAT REALLY IS YOUR REAL NAME) PROCEEDS TO INFORM ME THAT THEY CANNOT TAKE THE PAYMENT FOR FLOOD INS. THAT I WILL HAVE TO CALL ANOTHER NUMBER FOR THAT. SO I THANK HIM, HANG UP AND DIAL THE NUMBER HE GAVE ME.

CALL # 2

THIS CALL WENT A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS; YOU GET A RECORDING, A "FEMBOT" THAT AFTER THANKING YOU FOR CALLING THEM, TELLS YOU IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE THAT IF YOU SPEAK THAT LANGUAGE TO PRESS THE #8, IT THEN INFORMS YOU THAT TO PROVIDE FOR BETTER CUSTOMER SERVICE NOW AND IN THE FUTURE YOUR CALL MAY BE RECORDED. OK, NOW WE ARE GETTING SOME WHERE, THE FEMBOT THEN TELLS ME TO SPEAK WHY I AM CALLING SO SHE CAN SEND ME TO THE CORRECT DEPARTMENT. SO I SAY "MAKE A PAYMENT" AFTER A FEW MORE ROUNDS WITH THE FEMBOT AND REPEATING MYSELF ABOUT SIX TIMES
{ME} "LET ME TALK TO A REAL PERSON SO I CAN MAKE A PAYMENT". (THEY HAVE REDUCED ME TO YELLING AT A RECORDING)
{ME} I WANT TO TALK TO A REAL LIVE PERSON (NOW, HAVING QUITE THE HISSY FIT)
{THE FEMBOT} OK, I WILL TRANSFER YOU. (AND WITH A LOT OF ATTITUDE, FROM A RECORDING NO LESS) WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TOO!

TRANSFER #1

I'M PUT THROUGH TO "INDIA" I GUESS, BECAUSE I FEEL AS THOUGH I'M HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH "APU" FROM THE SIMPSON'S ABOUT SLURPEE'S OR SOMETHING. OUR CONVERSATION WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS;
{HIM} BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,
{ME} I'M SORRY CAN YOU PLEASE REPEAT THAT, I DIDN'T CATCH IT
{HIM} BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, YADA, YADA, YADA,
{ME} OK YES, MY POLICY NUMBER IS XXXXXXXXXX,
{HIM} NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT (WITH QUITE AN ATTITUDE)
{ME} OK, LET'S TRY THAT ONE MORE TIME XXXXXXXXXX.
{HIM} NO, THAT'S NOT IT (NOW WITH AN ANNOYED TONE)
{ME} DON'T TELL ME NO, THAT'S NOT IT, I'M GIVING IT TO YOU DIRECTLY FROM MY POLICY THAT YOUR COMPANY SENT TO ME! (ALSO WITH AN ANNOYED TONE)
{HIM} IT IS ONLY A 9 DIGIT NUMBER, NOT A 10 DIGIT NUMBER (LIKE YOU'RE AN IDIOT, WHY DO I GET ALL THE STUPID WOMEN).
{ME} OK, THEN YOU DECIDE WHICH NUMBER TO LEAVE OUT (WHY DO I GET ALL THE IDIOTS, I HATE PEOPLE).
{HIM} WHAT IS YOUR PHONE NUMBER,
{ME} XXX-XXX-XXXX,
{HIM} NO, THAT'S NOT IT!
{ME} SIR, I DO KNOW MY OWN PHONE NUMBER.
{HIM} WELL, THAT IS NOT BRINGING IT UP EITHER, DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER NUMBER?
{ME} UMMM, I THINK, I WOULD KNOW WHAT NUMBER WE GAVE WHEN WE SET THIS POLICY UP, BUT OK, I'LL PLAY ALONG, IF IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY AND WE CAN MOVE ON, MY CELL NUMBER XXX-XXX-XXXX
{HIM} NO THAT'S NOT IT EITHER, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE GIVING ME THE CORRECT NUMBERS?
WELL, IT WAS ABOUT THIS POINT IN TIME THAT MY WONDERFUL CELL PHONE DECIDED TO..., YES IT DID! IT DROPPED THE CALL! JUST GREAT!

CALL # 3

OK, SO I CALL BACK, HAVE MY SAME FIVE MINUTE CONVERSATION WITH THE FEMBOT, SEE; CALL # 2 ABOVE,

TRANSFER # 2

I GET PUT THROUGH;

ONCE AGAIN TO SOME WHERE IN INDIA, IT MUST BE A SMALL PLACE, BECAUSE NOW I'M PRETTY SURE I'M TALKING TO THE FIRST GUYS WIFE!

{HER} WHAT IS YOUR POLICY #
(I'M THINKING, OH BROTHER, HERE WE GO AGAIN.)
{ME} XXXXXXXXXX (WITH SURETY, BECAUSE IT IS ON THE PAPER WORK
I RECEIVED FROM THEM, AND I HAVE IT RIGHT IN MY HAND, AND I'M LOOKING RIGHT AT IT)
{HER} EXACTLY WHAT IS THIS POLICY FOR?
{ME} OUR FLOOD INSURANCE
{HER} OH, THIS IS NOT THE CORRECT DEPARTMENT FOR THAT, WE CAN NOT HELP YOU WITH THAT, LET ME GIVE YOU ANOTHER NUMBER, PLEASE HOLD WHILE I GET THAT NUMBER FOR YOU.
{HER} YOU WILL NEED TO CALL XXX-XXX-XXXX
{ME} OK (SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME)
SO I HANG UP AND DIAL THE NUMBER SHE GAVE ME.

CALL # 4

THIS CALL WENT A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS;

{NICE WOMEN AT THE OTHER END OF THE LINE} HELLO THANK YOU FOR CALLING BLAH, BLAH, COLLEGE.
{ME} OH, I MUST HAVE DIALED THE WRONG NUMBER (DUMBFOUNDED) CAN I JUST VERIFY WITH YOU, DID I DIAL XXX-XXX-XXXX (FEELING QUITE STUPID, LIKE MAYBE MR. INDIA WAS RIGHT, MAYBE I AM STUPID, I CAN'T EVEN DIAL A PHONE NUMBER CORRECTLY)
{HER} YES, THAT IS THE NUMBER YOU DIALED, ARE YOU TRYING TO REACH ---------- INSURANCE? (SHE ASKED SO POLITELY)
{ME} YES, I AM (PUZZLED, OK, SO I'M THINKING MAYBE THIS USED TO BE THE INSURANCE COMPANIES NUMBER AND NOW THESE POOR PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED IT, BUT OH NO, IT APPEARS THAT THE INSURANCE CO. HAS AN INCORRECT NUMBER IN THEIR SYSTEM AND THEY MIS-DIRECT ALL THEIR CLIENTS TO THESE POOR PEOPLE).
{ME} WOW, I THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE THE INSURANCE COMPANY PAY 1/2 YOUR SALARY FOR ANSWERING THEIR CALLS FOR THEM.

CALL # 5

OK, SOOOO THIS CALL, WENT A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS;

FIRST SEE; CALL # 2 ABOVE BACK TO THE FEMBOT!

TRANSFER # 3

NOW QUITE AGGITATED,
{ME} I'M TRYING TO PAY MY FLOOD INSURANCE BILL,
{HER} (NOT FROM INDIA THIS TIME) OK, LET ME GIVE YOU THAT NUMBER
{ME} SOMEONE ELSE JUST DID THAT, AND I HAD A LOVELY CONVERSATION WITH A LADY AT SOME COLLEGE, SO IF THE NUMBER YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME IS XXX-XXX-XXXX, DON'T, IT'S THE WRONG NUMBER.
{HER} SORRY ABOUT THAT, NO THE NUMBER IS XXX-XXX-XXXX
(NOW STRANGELY ENOUGH, THIS NUMBER IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE LAST NUMBER I WAS GIVEN). OY-VAY!

CALL # 6

(THE FEMBOT, AGAIN) SEE CALL # 2 ABOVE

TRANSFER # 4

{ME} I'M TRYING TO PAY MY FLOOD INSURANCE, WHICH I SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO HAVE FLOOD INSURANCE, BEFORE IT GET'S CANCELED, AND THE LENDER PUTS IT ON AND CHARGES ME ALMOST DOUBLE. (QUITE EXASBERATED).
{HER} OH, I'M SORRY MA'AM, WE ARE NOT SET UP TO TAKE YOUR PAYMENTS OVER THE PHONE, YOU WILL NEED TO DO THAT WITH YOUR INSURANCE AGENT.
(OK, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDING ME!)

SEE CALL # 1

CALL # 7 (BACK TO THE BEGINNING, MY INSURANCE AGENT, X*?@!!!)

{HER} THANK YOU FOR CALLING ALLSTATE INSURANCE, THIS IS STEPHANIE HOW MAY I HELP YOU? (SHE AT LEAST DOSEN'T SOUND 12, NO, MORE LIKE 13)
{ME} (WITH MUCH ATTITUDE - I YET ONCE AGAIN EXPLAIN MY WHOLE SAGA TO HER.
{HER} YOU WILL NEED TO CALL THE FLOOD UNDERWRITER DIRECTLY TO MAKE THAT PAYMENT.
{ME} (NOW TOTALLY LOOSING MY COOL) STEPHANIE, WAS IT?
{HER} YES
{ME} OK, LISTEN CAREFULLY, YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE MY PAYMENT, BECAUSE THE FLOOD PEOPLE SAID IT'S UP TO YOU GUYS, YOU ARE MY AGENTS, SO START EARNING SOME OF THE MONEY YOU MAKE, BY ME GIVING YOU MY BUSINESS, I'M SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO TOTALLY LOOSE IT OVER THIS WHOLE FLOOD INSURANCE ANYWAY!
{HER} (I'M SURE FEARING FOR HER LIFE) OK, LET ME SEE WHAT I CAN DO, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK IN ABOUT 15 MINUTES.

CALL # 8

I DID RECEIVE A CALL BACK FROM HER ABOUT 20 MINUTES LATER, SHE ASKED FOR ALL MY PAYMENT INFORMATION, WHICH I GAVE TO HER OVER THE PHONE. (ALL MY CREDIT CARD INFO). SHE SAID SHE WOULD GET IT PAID, THEN CALL ME BACK. NOW, SILLY ME, I THOUGHT THAT MEANT SHE WAS GOING TO CALL ME BACK WITH MY CONFIRMATION NUMBER, OR SOME OTHER FORM OF PROOF THAT I COULD SHOW TO THE LENDER, TO KEEP THEM FROM ADDING IT ON TO MY LOAN PAYMENT. NO, WRONG AGAIN.

CALL # 9

{HER} OK, MA'AM, YOUR FLOOD PAYMENT HAS BEEN MADE FOR THE YEAR.
{ME} THANK YOU, WHAT IS MY CONFIRMATION NUMBER?
{HER} WHAT?
{ME} I REPEAT, WHAT IS MY CONFIRMATION NUMBER?
{HER} I DIDN'T GET ANYTHING LIKE THAT
{ME} OK, THEN WHAT DO I HAVE AS PROOF THAT I JUST AUTHORIZED $1,200.00 ON MY CREDIT CARD TO PAY MY FLOOD INSURANCE THAT I NEED TO PROVE TO MY LENDER HAS BEEN PAID. (WITH QUITE A BIT OF 'TUDE).
{HER} UMMM, I DON'T KNOW
{ME} CAN YOU AT LEAST SEND ME A EMAIL CONFIRMING THIS TRANSACTION? ALSO YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE YOU SEND THE INFORMATION TO MY LENDER, WITH PROOF THAT OUR FLOOD INSURANCE WITH YOU IS IN FORCE. (A LITTLE BIT CALMER THIS TIME).
{HER} YEAH, I GUESS I CAN DO THAT?
{ME} GREAT, THANK YOU

NOW NOT ONLY DID I NEVER RECIEVE THE EMAIL FROM THEM, EVEN THOUGH MY BANK DID SHOW THE TRANSACTION TAKEN OUT OF MY CHECKING ACCOUNT. THEY ALSO NEVER SENT VERIFICATION TO THE LENDER, SO YEP, YOU GUESSED IT, THEY TOO PLACED FLOOD INSURANCE ON THE PROPERTY AND CHARGED IT TO MY ACCOUNT.

WHY, OH WHY, MUST EMPLOYERS HIRE TEENAGERS, AND/OR OTHER EMPLOYEE'S WHO REALLY DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT THEIR JOB, THEY ARE JUST MORE CONCERNED WITH GOING TO THE COOL NEW EMO CLUB THIS WEEKEND! ! !

NOW, ROUND TWO WITH IDIOTS AND FEMBOT'S! ! !

OK, I KNOW THIS WAS A WAY LONG POST, BUT I REALLY JUST HAD TO GET THAT OFF MY CHEST! SO KUDO'S TO THOSE OF YOU WHO ACTUALLY MADE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH, THERE WILL BE A LITTLE SOMETHING EXTRA IN YOUR STOCKING THIS YEAR AT CHRISTMAS. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO JUST SKIMMED OVER, I'LL RETURN THE FAVOR SOME DAY ON YOUR BLOG, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO TOTALLY GAVE UP AFTER THE THIRD PARAGRAPH, (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, DON'T MAKE ME NAME NAMES) WELL CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU FOR HAVING A REAL LIFE, WITH NO TIME ON YOUR HANDS TO READ REALLY LONG, POSTS.